I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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