My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
