So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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