it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
