every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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