sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
