Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Is it because I queefed?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
