her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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