New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
