while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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