Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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