I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
