were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
