you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
a search helicopter?!
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
