If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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