you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
sex in a hospital.. check
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
