Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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