My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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