just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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