glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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