dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.