i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
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Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?