I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
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Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
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Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone