separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
