You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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