It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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