I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
