My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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