Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
