im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
