OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
