I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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