to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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