I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
