you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
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I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
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I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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