You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She bit a glass in half.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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