it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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