Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
