Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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