like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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