"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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