I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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