I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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