My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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