So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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