I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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