Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
