i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
