rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
