bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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