I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
