I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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