I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
