I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
