There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
