It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
