Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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