Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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