I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
