I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
